learning about ourselves (or perhaps this quandary is exclusively mine) seems to be a particularly difficult and painstaking process. we unearth a layer of our hearts in order to discover the miscellaneous secrets underneath these callous exteriors only to experience a shocking dismay.
upon completion of burrowing through any given layer of our core, we become startlingly frightened of what we perceive thriving abundantly in these more interior compartments of our hearts. we experience despair that hitherto has been completely unknown to us, driving us to quickly conceal the aforementioned grotesqueness or fill in what we have only recently uncovered. we fear that another might also see what we have seen or that we cannot even admit to ourselves the perfidious nature of so profane a reality.
inevitably, this results in our inability to reveal to others and ourselves the true identity that we possess. constantly bombarded by fear of compromising the image that we have so expertly crafted, we continue to pile on a fabricated layer of shit that is neither genuine nor aromatic. this process builds upon foundations already laid to the point that we cannot even distinguish for ourselves who we are or what we have become.
behold the changing work of the Spirit of God...
the promise begins to linger on the edge of our consciousness... "i will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh... i will put my Spirit within you..." the spark of joy from such a concept is slowly and enduringly fanned into inquenchable flame. we contemplate in disbelief that such a miraculous work could exist.
we are forced into the unbearable heat of God's presence. we experience the excruciating pain of change as the fire hardens our exterior. it begins to crack and flake, and at the moment at which we are certain of destruction that the revelation of God's righteousness surely brings, the soothing wind of the spirit carries away from us the shattered shell of our artificial image to reveal something fresh. we hear faintly on the whispers of this wind, "i am making all things new..."
we embrace the newness. we savor it. we have seen the identity which we had fictitiously built in our minds gloriously swept away and replaced with a new one. we have become "new creations... the old have passed away... the new have come."
do not be afraid.
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11 comments:
Yay! A post! (I don't think I'd have even checked if I didn't see your comment...heh.)
Your post opens up a whole slew of questions, probably best discussed with several people over cigarettes and coffee. What does it actually *mean* to "find our identity in Christ"? It's something I've asked a lot, but find difficult to pinpoint. I suppose you touch on the answer here, but I can't help but think there's something more to it that I can't put my finger on.
Though I suppose it's one of those things that comes easier (easier? that can't be the term...more readily?) with sanctification, with grace, with things that are gifts - rather than just...trying harder. I just...can't try harder.
One of the things I appreciate most about you as a friend is your awareness of both depravity and grace. As Daniel and I were talking about....God often uses other people to cut through our BS and expose ourselves. Painful, but worth it.
Cutting through and exposing the BS of our "selves" is an awesomely painful and wonderful thing. What better place to be at than to realize that we all are really just shallow beings and the only depth that we do possess is that mysteriously given gift of "deep calling to deep" through "a new heart" by a new and living Spirit.
"Do not be afraid"....indeed!
This reminds me of my desire to understand our depravity and our new created order, how God see's us as Christ.
I used to be all down on myself and feel the need to beat my chest so to speak.
and lately, i just wanna wallow in tolerance.
but i wonder what the balance is.
i don't even know what i'm really trying to say, im groaning, i feel like nebuchednezzer.
ah... feeling the need to beat our chests.
i have profited from this despair. feeling an obligation to act as such would certainly misunderstand the grace God intends in this emotion.
i think the balance to be found between despair and tolerance is actually the effect that despair brings. we don't tolerate our depravity nor do we wallow in the despair that it brings. but, seeing our great need in the midst of despair drives us forcefully to the cross where freedom from despair and fear is found.
yes, i've tasted of it in the past. maybe it's been a while that i've felt numb to a lot of things.. maybe im so clouded by my lifestyle that it's driven me to madness and confusion.
i cant explain it better but i seriously feel so different than i used to be as a christian.
like, im not against beating the chest.. but oftentimesit made me feel like i cant truely express myself freely because im afraid that certain thoughts or emotions are feelings, so that mademe feel i should be similar to a mute. because it's hard to identify what is okay and what' s not.
i mean, i think im talking about arrogance and humility.
and i still cant think clearly now.
carmen williams said she felt like she lost some of her iq since having kids. i feel the same way.
im sorry, i meant to say, i thought certain thoughts and emotions could be sinful or prideful, so i felt the need to hold back a lot in my external behavior. even in my mind i sinned more hesitantly than lately. its like the guard has been let down. i dunno cuz its not like im completely unrepentant, i just question a lot of things more and things dont make sense. i feel alien to the way the sciptures previously had an effect on me.
im really explaining this horribly, sorry.
migue would you tell me now i have to qualify this? because i really can't. so i feel like i'ts all a chasing after the wind, me trying to communicate and understand things.. but then again, i know that others can bring to light what im blind about.
you certainly know that i have had emotions, feelings, and questionings that have given me an experience with fear that i never thought possible. the disgust i felt about myself was intense. i truly felt able to empathize with st. paul in romans when he cries out despairingly "wretched man that i am!" to allow transparency of these fears was unthinkable.
however, the grace of God and of my friends was stronger than my fears. through expressing my fear, my feelings, my confusion, i found freedom. by freely divulging myself of all that i was afraid to reveal, i was no longer able to cling to the false image of "the good, appropriate, reputable Christian boy."
my happiness no longer depended upon the image of myself that i created for others. it only depended on the fact that, though i may lose face in the eyes of man (though the men and women to whom i devulged my secrets were utterly gracious), i finally was coming to grips with the authentic "me" and seeing that this "self" was weak and wretched, the cross was the only place left for me to go. and upon arrival, the cross is a most glorious destination.
all said, it was an infinitely valuable transaction that took place in my life. i risked all (image, reputation, good standing) and received everything (grace, freedom, joy).
we need not fear who we are. God uses our weaknesses to show us his joy in being strength for us.
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that [my thorn] should leave me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -II Corinthians 12.8-10
It becomes such a place of confusion, this comprehension of our own selves and it is such a vicious cycle of self mutilating 'repentance'. I have always been fascinated with how well we (and by we i'm probably mostly talking about myself) are able to construct such elaborate and seemingly convincing masks for ourselves. We think (or hope) noone else knows our secrets and we're probably right. We are all so focused on fooling even ourselves as to our true nature that none of us look up and into anyone else's secret world. And this has been one of my greatest inner struggles. Knowing, deep down of my utter depravity and loathing it so much but not being able to conjure the strength to change it. And this is where my peace of mind comes in. There is no way for us to change our very nature, that is, sinful, depraved and wretchedly unworthy of salvation. This is what makes us all the more dependent on His grace. To absolutely depend solely on His choice to save us from ourselves. We must begin to love ourselves as He does- not seeing our own sinful humanity but instead seeing the Christ within us. Knowing that we are transformed and focusing our eyes only on Him and our love and gratitude for His saving grace.He is the only thing to focus on for He is everything. He is the Spirit within us, He is our saving grace, He is everything we long to be, and He is who we will be with for eternity. To try and fix it ourselves or even to try to shed our own mask of serenity is to fight against a plan and a Father who is so completely capable and in control of it all that we need never even try. By surrendering our preconceived ideas of ourselves and who we surely must be to Him we are allowing Him to use the Spirit He has placed in us. What a feeling of freedom it is to know that you are no longer getting in the way of the Father's use of the vessel He has chosen! He speaks of it over and over again in His Word- come and rest in the shadow of my wings, let not your heart be troubled, let today's worry be enough for the day. Realizing that that part of us is dead is so hard (I've found it impossible most times) yet so essential. If we live in fear of our old natures we are just in bondage to and worshipping something other than our God. I think by daily laying our burdens on Him, including the burden of our own thought life, sin nature, etc, we will grow ever closer to the One who already lives inside us. The One who now stands for us showing His scars and His blood for our ransom.
No qualifier here needed Danae....;)
michael.. you sure had a remarkable experience. thanks for your transparency.
anonymous: i like what u said.
Michael,
Wow. You words ring true. I have thought many of the same things you've said here over and over.
On 'balance'. I'm starting to think that everything is about balance.
Balancing to the point where we don't let our egos get the best of us, yet we don't let ourselves be trampled upon.
Balancing worklife and family life.
Balancing our open hearts and our privacy.
I have such strong pride sometimes that I fear to open my heart and let out my true emotions. I don't want people to see my soggy insides.
Just like it's hard sometimes to come forth with our sins and faults. We don't want people to see our despicable insides.
But, showing our insides (despite what society has told us and what we have told ourselves) does not make us WEAK, it makes us strong.
But, we cannot let our egos inflate when we realize our good job at letting go and being open to be revealed.
See how it's a balance?
And, the meek inherit the earth don't they? hmmm....
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